By JUDD MATSUNAGA, Esq.
Growing up in the ’60s, the family would always go somewhere on our summer vacation. Sometimes that meant driving for hours to Lake Tahoe or June Lake in the Mammoth mountains. Back then, even a one-hour drive to Disneyland seemed like an all-day trip. So Dad would often use the opportunity of having his children captive (for hours) to give us advice on life.
More often than not, Dad wouldn’t talk about stuff we were learning in school, nor would he offer pearls of wisdom from Japan. Instead, Dad would use good-old American (English) proverbs that usually offered some kind of advice about life. They were short, wise sayings like “An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” “The early bird catches the worm,” or “Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”
I’m not sure why, but the one that seemed to make an impression on me was “A rolling stone gathers no moss.” At the time, I thought it meant that I need to keep moving to be successful. I went from job to job and relationship to relationship. Perhaps that’s why I have no children of my own. Decades later, I found out there’s a second meaning — that a person who is always moving, never living in one place very long — cannot be successful or make a lot of money.
To celebrate this Father’s Day, here’s the fatherly advice I wish I had been given instead of the “rolling stone” advice: Silence your negative thoughts.
We’ve all seen the cartoon where the main character has an angel sitting on one shoulder and the Devil on the other. The angel tries to get you to do good, and the Devil tries to get you to do bad. My fatherly advice is to not pay any attention to what I’ll call your “inner moron,” which resides in all of us.
So what do you say when you talk to yourself? Is it mostly positive or mostly negative? The reason is because what you say to yourself matters more than you can imagine. Why? Your thoughts have incredible power. Your life is always moving in the direction of your strongest thoughts. So be careful how you think because your life is shaped by your thoughts.
When I first got my real estate license in 1979, the manager of the real estate office that I was working at told me to read a self-improvement book called “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill. Although many years have passed since then, I can still remember the basic premise of the book, “Your thoughts have a way of turning themselves into their material equivalents.”
Hill claimed to be inspired by a suggestion from business magnate, industrialist and philanthropist Andrew Carnegie, who said, “You are what you think. So just think big, believe big, act big, work big, give big, forgive big, laugh big, love big, and live big.”
Similar sentiments were expressed by American industrialist Henry Ford, who said, “Don’t find fault, find a remedy. If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.”
So “the sword cuts in both ways.” Good thoughts produce good results. Bad thoughts produce bad results. Psychologists would call this the Law of Cognition. What the Law of Cognition teaches is what you think impacts what you believe, which impacts how you feel, which impacts what you do. Your life is always moving in the direction of your strongest thoughts.
The good news is you can actually choose what you think about. In other words, your thoughts are incredibly powerful, and you have incredible power over your thoughts. Dr. Paul David Tripp, pastor and award-winning author, says, “No one is more influential in your life than you are because no one talks to you more than you do.”
And sadly,” he continues, “some of you are talking yourself into a life that you hate.”
We need to understand that most of us have what’s called a “negativity bias.” We’re biased toward that which is negative. And neuroscience actually shows us that negative events imprint on our brains more quickly and linger longer than positive ones. Negative events, something bad, something tragic, something unfortunate, seem to hit our brains and stick longer than positive ones.
And I can prove it with several examples. What do you think spreads faster on social media, something positive or something negative? And the answer is something negative. On any news app, which news stories gets more clicks, the negative ones or the positive ones? And the answer is the negative ones. They will say, “If it bleeds, it leads.”
Let’s say you make a presentation that you were really nervous about. You do your best and afterwards five different people say, “Wow, that was amazing! You crushed it. I loved what you did.” But one person makes a negative comment. At the end of the day, are you thinking about the five positive things or you lamenting the one negative thing? If you’re like me, you’re lamenting the one negative thing.
Most of what you see online has negative effects, e.g., makes you feel left out or jealous, and most of what your friends say is negative, and most of what you say to yourself is negative, and most of what you hear about in the news is negative. When you focus on the negative, what you’re doing is creating negative neural pathways. And when you think a thought once, it’s easier to think a thought again. And what happens, unfortunately, is chronic negativity.
If you’re like a lot of people, you get stuck in what some psychologists call a “negative loop.” You continue to think about things that are not helpful and are often harmful. For example, if you think about money, your negative self-talk might be “I’m always gonna struggle.” If you think about relationships, you might think, “I can’t trust anyone.” And a negative loop goes on.
In an online mental health blog, www.calm.com/blog/negative-self-talk, they say that negative self-talk is the internal voice that critiques, undermines, and second-guesses nearly every move we make. Even on our best days, that little voice in our minds can belittle us, or tell us that we’re not good enough. These unhelpful thoughts can trick you into believing that this skewed view of yourself is the real you.
Negative self-talk can stem from many places but these three C’s are some of the most common:
(1) Comparing: When you look at someone else’s life and start feeling like your own isn’t as unique, wonderful, or enjoyable.
(2) Criticizing: When you engage in self-judgment and put yourself down with harsh and unfair judgments about your self-worth.
(3) Complaining: When you focus too much on the negatives of a situation, or your life in general, without taking steps to improve it.
While being critical of ourselves occasionally is normal, too much of it can start to negatively affect our mental health. When it becomes a daily habit, self-criticism can drain our self-esteem, or lead to tendencies to seek perfection. In other cases, it can cause stress and anxiety, and even exacerbate depression. These feelings can isolate you from opportunities, relationships, and even happiness.
But the good news is you don’t have to be a victim of your thoughts. Fortunately, negative self-talk can be quieted. You have incredible power over your thoughts. You can actually choose what you think about, and what you think about determines how you live. Your life is moving in the direction of your strongest thoughts. What you think about determines how you live, e.g., happy or sad, rich or poor, strong or weak.
A good way to start is by paying attention to what you’re telling yourself during anxious moments then employ the following strategies:
(1) Question your inner critic. Instead of letting destructive thoughts run wild, put them on the stand. Interrogate them with questions like “Is this belief grounded in reality or just my imagination?” or “What advice would I give to a buddy wrestling with this same thought?” Doing this helps you dismantle those negative narratives and substitute them with a more positive viewpoint.
(2) Exercise self-compassion. Cut yourself some slack. Think about it: you’d be all ears and advice for a good friend, right? Extend that same level of kindness and patience to yourself. Embrace your imperfections. Practice self-compassion techniques like positive self-talk or self-soothing gestures.
(3) Start a gratitude practice. Taking stock of the good in your life can help shift your focus away from the negatives. Believe it or not, jotting things down in a simple gratitude journal can make a significant difference. How to practice: Each night, jot down three things you’re grateful for.
(4) Take up Journaling. Keeping a daily journal can act like a detective’s notebook for your mind, helping you pinpoint what sets off your negative self-talk. Once you understand the triggers and patterns, you’re better equipped to build strategies to counter them. Write down your thoughts and emotions in your journal then use our cognitive restructuring technique (above) to help you work through your feelings and challenge those thoughts.
(5) Offer yourself positive affirmations. Simple, positive phrases can act as a mental switch, changing your outlook and boosting your mind set. It’s important to get into the habit of advocating for yourself and picking yourself up when you feel down. Affirmations are a good way to do that, even when you don’t feel in the mood. Create a list of positive affirmations, such as “I am capable” or “I am worthy,” and repeat them to yourself, especially when you catch yourself in a spiral of negative self-talk.
(6) Practice meditation. Meditation provides a structured framework for quieting your mind and gaining control over your thought patterns. The practice often incorporates various techniques like visualization, affirmation repetition, or body scanning to assist in shifting your focus away from negative self-talk. If you don’t have a regular meditation practice it can feel intimidating to begin one. One of the best ways to begin is to find a quiet place to sit and just breathe deeply while picturing something positive that means something special to you. Pair that with deep breathing and a quiet space and you’re on your way.
In conclusion, I want to give you a tool to help you focus on the good thoughts — Start acting like a cow. I don’t mean “eat more chicken,” or whatever the cow commercial would say. One of the things that a cow does is take a mouthful of grass and chew it and chew it and chew it. Eventually he swallows it only to then throw it back up in his mouth and chews some more, then swallows, throws up and chews some more.
Why does the cow do that? He wants to get every bit of nutrition out of that grass. It’s called to ruminate. It’s the same word as meditate. For example, let’s say your positive affirmation is “I am worthy.” Ruminate, meditate, chew, enjoy, get every bit of positive nutrition from the truth, “I am worthy,” over and over and over and over and over and over again.
Finally, in some cases, persistent negative thoughts may need expert help. A therapist or psychologist can offer strategies to better understand and control your thought patterns. If you can’t silence your inner moron and negative self-talk causes a significant impact on your well-being, consider consulting a qualified mental health professional for personalized help.