By Judd Matsunaga, Esq.
If you’ve lost someone close to your heart, your world has just been turned upside down. You will never hear that person’s voice again, never see that smile, and you feel life will never be the same. No wonder the death of such a person can make you feel so profoundly alone, especially during the holiday season and other occasions you might have shared.
Losing someone for whom you care deeply is perhaps the most painful transition you face in life. Brain imaging studies show that emotional pain activates the same brain circuits in your brain as physical pain. So, your pain is very real. Feelings of sadness, abandonment, loss, and even anger are entirely normal. It can leave you feeling adrift, not just for a little while, but for months and even years.
Your dear one may be dead, but your love for that person is not. The more integral someone was to your life, the more opportunities there are for happy and sad reminders that underscore your loss. Alongside warm or warring memories, you may always carry a hollow spot in your heart. Feelings of loneliness clearly can prolong the grieving process. There is no single way to grieve. Each person has a different experience.
Alan D. Wolfelt, a grief counselor and author of “Healing Your Grieving Heart” and “Healing the Adult Child’s Grieving Heart,” suggests identifying three people who can support you. Think about who is the most helpful and the least judgmental in your circle. Ask them whether they can help by listening to you when you need to talk and spending time with you when you need support.
And although no one will ever replace your loved one, you do not always need to feel so lonely. This Rafu Shimpo article is to let you know that there is help available on this journey. Those who have walked the same path, as well as therapists and counselors, have written a Harvard Special Health Report, “Grief and Loss: A Guide to Preparing for and Mourning the Death of a Loved One,” to help alleviate your loneliness and pain. The following tips may also be useful:
(1) Accept help. In our individualistic society, it can be difficult for many of us to accept help from others. We may have been taught to be self-sufficient, and we may be masking our loneliness so as not to burden others. But recognize that others truly do want to help, and leaning into their kind gestures can make you both feel better.
(2) Stay connected to others. Speak with family and friends every day, in person, over the phone or video chat, even if you’re not in the mood to talk. Let your family and friends know how you’re doing. Realize, however, that family members who are navigating the same loss may not be able to provide as much support as usual.
(3) Tell people what helps. You might say, “I just need to cry right now” or “There’s nothing you can do to fix this. It helps if you just stay with me.” If you want to talk about the person you’re missing, let others know. For example, say, “I just want to talk about her, but I feel like everyone is afraid to say her name.”
(4) Be honest about your feelings. People may be hesitant to bring up your loss because they don’t know what to say. You can give them guidance. If you’re not sure how to begin the conversation, these examples may help
- “I feel so angry about Mike’s death. It seems so useless.”
- “I’m relieved that Mom isn’t suffering anymore, but I miss her terribly.”
- “My relationship with my dad was difficult. I’m feeling a lot of things right now — not just sadness.”
- “I know you think I should be over this, but I’m not.”
(5) Tell people how to act around you. Should they mention your loved one’s name, or will that make you sadder? Should they reach out and hug you? Should they offer advice? Is it all right to share a joke or a funny memory? Doing so yourself can encourage others to do the same. In general, it will help if you can provide clear signals. For example, you might say things like this to guide friends and family in their interactions with you:
- “I’m finding it hard to get out of the house. Could we make a regular date to walk or have dinner?”
- “I can’t bear to be alone tonight, but I don’t want to talk. Could you stay and just watch TV with me?”
- “Sometimes I make plans and find later that I’m just not up to following through with them.
I hope you’ll understand if that happens.” - “I feel so mad about everything, I’m snapping at everyone all the time.”
(6) Spend time with others who understand. If others in your family or among your friends have also lost a loved one, they may be more empathetic. You can ask outright: “What helped you? How did you get through this awful time?” They may recall having the same feelings you’re finding so alarming now—whether it’s numbness and no tears, waves of guilt, fury, confusion and anxiety, or a seemingly bottomless well of sorrow. When friends and family can’t help in these ways, support groups often can.
(7) Assess when you feel the loneliest. Do you feel the most lonely first thing in the morning when you used to share coffee with your spouse or partner? Then skip coffee at home and go to the local coffeehouse for your daily cup. Or do you feel the ache of loneliness on Saturday mornings, when you used to run errands together? In that case, make a standing date to go shopping and do chores with a friend or child.
(8) Reach out to your religious community, if you have one. Even those who have fallen away from their faith over the years may find comfort in reconnecting with the traditions of their youth.
(9) Leave the door open. You may wish everyone would just go away and leave you alone to sort through your feelings. If you express yourself too forcefully, though, you may drive people further away than you mean to at a time when you truly need their support. Try to leave the door open a bit. Here are some things you might say:
- “I just want to go home and go to bed right now. Would you call me tomorrow, though?”
- “I feel so upset these days, I can’t settle on anything. Please don’t take it personally.”
- “I’m just not up to that right now. Maybe in a few weeks. Will you try me again?”
(10) Join a grief support group. Sometimes friends and family members shy away from strong emotions and sad topics. You may feel they just don’t understand what you’re going through. Even caring friends and relatives may start to indicate subtly or outright that it’s time for you to move on before you’re ready to do so. These attitudes only isolate you further and make you feel worse.
A good grief support group promises many things, e.g., a sounding board, a voice of experience, people to share with. If you think you could benefit from talking about your experiences and hearing about those of others, you may find a group quite helpful. In the company of others treading a similar path, you can express strong feelings, validate the varied emotions you feel, and possibly even hear good advice.
(11) Seek professional help. While most people recover from their grief by drawing on their own inner resources and the support of friends and family, others may find that this is not sufficient. Therapists can help you realize that many of the unhelpful ideas that are causing you anguish (“I will never be happy again,” “My life is over”) are not actually true.
In such cases, you may find it helpful to turn to a mental health professional. Working one-on-one with a grief counselor or other social worker, psychologist, or psychiatrist may make it easier for you to share your feelings and focus on your needs. A psychiatrist can also help evaluate whether you might benefit from medication, such as an antidepressant or an anti-anxiety drug.
Another type of therapy that may help is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). The therapist can help you start reframing your thoughts in more positive, less catastrophic ways. Similarly, behavioral therapy emphasizes actions rather than thoughts and feelings and focuses on identifying simple, enjoyable, and rewarding activities that will help you re-engage with life.
It’s important that you feel comfortable with the therapist. An initial meeting can help you decide if this is a good fit. A good fit depends partly on a professional’s personality and approach, as well as experience. Discuss fees and health insurance coverage issues. Also, ask about the number of sessions covered under your plan.
In conclusion, grief expert David Kessler, who co-authored “On Grief and Grieving,” says survivors who cope the best are those who find meaning in the loss. Kessler argues that the search for meaning provides the way out of darkness into the light. “Finding meaning in loss empowers us to find a path forward,” he writes. “Do something that honors them, such as the way you live your life, treating others as they did, or being more present for others who are grieving.
“Meaning helps us make sense of grief. Rather than letting loneliness be the anchor that holds you back, let meaning be the wind that gently bears you onward.”
In his book, Kessler makes the following points about meaning:
- Meaning is relative and personal, only you can find your own meaning.
- Meaning takes time. You may not find it until months or even years after a loss.
- Meaning doesn’t require understanding. It’s not necessary to understand why someone died in order to find meaning.
- Even when you do find meaning, you will not feel it was worth the cost of losing your loved one.
- When we can find meaning, we are able to move forward in our grief and not become stuck.
In the midst of loss, many people find opportunities for growth. In many cases, people emerge from the depths of their grief with greater confidence in their ability to manage life’s sorrows and difficulties. People often redefine themselves in terms of their position in the family or their role in the world. The death of a spouse may require the remaining spouse to become more independent and assertive, while the death of a parent may spur an adult child to assume a leadership role in the family.
Ultimately, meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for the person after their death while you’re moving forward with your life. “There is no better legacy,” says Kessler. For some, the experience leaves them more understanding of and empathetic to other people’s hardships. Losing someone close may also deepen or renew spirituality and can leave individuals with a greater appreciation of family, friends, and small pleasures.
Judd Matsunaga, Esq., is the founding partner of the Law Offices of Matsunaga & Associates, specializing in estate/Medi-Cal planning, probate, personal injury and real estate law. With offices in Torrance, Hollywood, Sherman Oaks, Pasadena and Fountain Valley, he can be reached at (800) 411-0546. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily those of The Rafu Shimpo.