By JUDD MATSUNAGA, ESQ.
I’m writing this article over Memorial Day weekend. Memorial Day is a federal holiday in the United States for commemorating the U.S. military personnel who died while serving in the U.S. Armed Forces. Most of us think of World War II since that is what we grew up with.
Some older Rafu Shimpo readers actually experienced WWII. Many of our parents, grandparents, brothers, and uncles served in 442nd Regimental Combat Term (RCT) and the 100th Infantry Battalion.
As an elder law attorney the past 30-plus years, I’ve had the privilege and honor of meeting dozens of these war heros. My uncle served in the 442nd. As a child, our family would join him at 442nd reunions. What a great bunch of people.
They had a Hospitality Room, serving all kinds of delicious food and drinks — ALL FREE. They treated us like family. They would give the shirt off their back to help you. Many gave their lives for each other and our nation. True heroes indeed. They were “cut from a different stock.”
The Sansei, however, had it too easy, i.e., spoiled rotten. The Nisei, not wanting their children to experience the same prejudice and discrimination they had to endure, raised us to be too soft. I remember complaining to my dad when he brought me a Coke from the snack bar at
the golf course at a Go For Broke Reunion in Hawaii. “I wanted a root beer,” I said.
Overhearing his idiot nephew, my uncle said calmly and quietly, “When I was a kid, we took whatever we got — AND WERE GRATEFUL!!!”
Those words still echo in the back of my mind. I hope I’m not the same spoiled kid I was back then. It may have taken a lifetime, but I hope I’ve learned to appreciate all the things life has to offer, including all the sacrifices made by our earlier generations to make things significantly better “for the children’s sake.” This Rafu Shimpo article is about a way to significantly help the older Nisei that we still have around (also applies to any senior, Nisei or not).
I’ve always enjoyed war movies. As a kid, my favorite war movies starred John Wayne. But those old war movies confused me as a young Japanese American boy. The “enemy” looked like my uncles and my cousins. In one particular war movie, Wayne (my childhood hero) even said, “The only good Jap is a dead Jap.”
I wish I knew that producer-director Frank Capra saw motion pictures as a weapon against Japan’s ruthless militarism. Today, Hollywood calls Capra’s words “beyond outrageous.”
Let’s move on to another movie genre — westerns. You might remember something like this: John Wayne commanded the U.S. Calvary. Across the river stood the whole Comanche Nation. Four Comanche riders crossed the river wearing war paint. Wayne and three other riders ride forward to meet them.
Although they couldn’t really understand each other, they could see the facial expressions and tone in their voice. If the Indian chief was making violent hand gestures, had a mean scowl on his face, and angry tone in his voice, Wayne was planning who he was going to shoot first.
You might ask, “What does that have to do with helping elderly Nisei?” In like manner, speaking with someone who has dementia can be a lot like talking with someone who only speaks Comanche, or Apache, or Sioux, i.e., doesn’t understand English.
“But that’s the only language my parent knows — English.” Yes, but when dementia progresses, their brain actually changes. The left frontal lobe, which processes the meaning of words, starts to slow down and weaken with dementia, which affects how they interpret or understand language in most dementia types.
As the left hemisphere of the brain gets weaker, parts of the right hemisphere, i.e., the amygdala, start to become more dominant. That is the side of the brain that interprets emotion, i.e., the tone of voice, the rhythm of voice, and the emotionality that you are bringing to the conversation.
Some of the content below is taken from an earlier Rafu Shimpo article, “How to Talk to Someone with Dementia” (Feb. 6, 2026). But it bears repeating — it’s so important, so relevant for today’s elderly Japanese American community.
We are so use to engaging in verbal communication with our loved ones. But you cannot effectively communicate with your loved one the same way you always have. Their brain is struggling with working memory, i.e., step-by-step directives. That is too overwhelming for a dementia-affected brain.
The words you are saying are going to be gone in seconds. But the emotionality is going to linger longer because it is tapped into the more dominant side of their brain.
As dementia progresses, you have to learn a different form of communication. It becomes less important what you are saying and more important how you are saying it. If you have a bit of anger in your tone, or annoyance in your facial expression, their brain is going to pick up on that first. It will probably make them feel a bit more unsettled.
So when your loved one with dementia is getting agitated and/or overwhelmed, it could be that you have come into the conversation with too much negative emotion.
Even if you are trying to be very diplomatic, i.e., using measured and kind words, your loved one with dementia is going to pick up on the tone first. So if you say, “I’ve already told you five times,” with a face that looks irritated and/or angry, that emotion is going to create distress inside of them. Typically, when they start to get frustrated or overwhelmed, they will either withdraw and ignore you, or lash out back at you.
That is because their dominant side, the right hemisphere, will pick up that negative emotion from you. The result will often be lashing back at you with anger and frustration. When they are angry, frustrated or confused, make sure you are not “coming in hot,” i.e., with an angry tone and/or facial expression. Most likely, they are going to match your emotion with anger and frustration.
We must adjust. We need to learn to start communicating more with the right tone in your voice. Be careful with the rhythm and emotionality in which you are speaking. You will also need to watch your body language and facial expressions as well, as they are going to become more and more significant as dementia worsens.
As you communicate with your loved one, keep tone and rhythm in mind. Can you use a lighter tone? Perhaps a calmer, more rhythmic tone. Perhaps less frustration in your face.
You may walk away shaking your head, thinking, “I put all that effort into trying to say it nicely.” But logic does not land. You put the effort into the wrong thing. Your tone and emotionality are what will communicate more than your words ever will.
Also remember that the dementia brain cannot hold long sequences of information and reasoning. So when you say to your loved one, “We have a doctor’s appointment at 3:00, so let’s eat your lunch and then take your medicine and then grab your boots upstairs,” that is too much information.
You are hoping their working memory, i.e., their ability to hold information and sequence it, will do a lot. But their working memory is struggling and can no longer reason and sequence that information. You have already lost them at “We have a doctor’s appointment at 3:00, and then I need you to take your medication.” That is a long sequence of information and reasoning you are asking your loved one with dementia to process.
So be careful when they appear to be ignoring you. Try not to repeat yourself, i.e., giving more information that overwhelms their brain. That will lead to even more shutdown. It is a terrible cycle. You give more information, overwhelm their brain even more, and your loved one matches your frustration and yells back at you. Then it escalates from there. When they have shut down and appear to be ignoring you, now you know that they are not.
The next communication skill to learn is using short sentences with long pauses. Their brain is processing information more slowly because of the dementia-related changes that are happening progressively or because of damage that has already occurred. You have to go slower for your loved one with dementia.
One way to remember this is to think short sentences, long pauses. Try to give one idea per sentence.
You also want to slow your rhythm and pacing. For example, “Dad, let’s have breakfast (pause), and then we’ll take your medication.” The pause allows their brain to catch up with the information you are trying to convey. This is the new way you have to communicate with a dementia-affected brain.
If you go too quickly, it becomes overwhelming for both working memory and processing speed. You are going too fast for them. It starts to sound like static. It is too much.
If they get upset, sad, or angry, try to respond by offering what they really need, i.e., reassurance or a gentle touch. Offering support can go a long way. Remember that communication goes beyond words. When someone is upset, you can sit beside them or hold their hand. A gentle squeeze or tap on the hand or leg can help. Pair touch with reassurance by saying, “I’m so sorry that happened. I’m here for you.”
In conclusion, how many Rafu Shimpo readers have you talked to who lost a parent without having a chance to say goodbye? A chance to say “I love you.” My mom lost her dad when we were out of town on vacation. She didn’t have a chance to say goodbye.
I know this causeD her tremendous pain, perhaps guilt. So we (my siblings and I) don’t want to take that chance. We want to document our final message, a chance to express feelings of gratitude and thanksgiving.
We plan to make a video message for our 99-year-old dad and our 98-year-old mom for their 75th wedding anniversary. For the video, here’s what I am suggesting to my siblings: “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.”
First, try to use short, simple sentences in a tone and rhythm that are calm and reassuring. Second, speak slowly. If you go too quickly, it becomes too overwhelming for both working memory and processing speed. Speaking too fast starts to sound like static to them. It is too much. It will feel painfully slow to you, but it will be exactly what their brain needs.