By JUDD MATSUNAGA, ESQ.
The bond between grandparents and grandchildren is a beautiful thing. While we honor our grandparents daily, National Grandparents’ Day is a special day to take an extra moment to appreciate all the joy and wisdom that grandparents bring to our lives.
Grandparents’ Day is always celebrated on the first Sunday after Labor Day. This year, we celebrate Grandparents’ Day on Sunday, Sept. 7!
National Grandparents’ Day is a secular holiday that is also celebrated in various countries. In Japan, for example, Respect for the Aged Day (Keiro no Hi) is a public holiday celebrated annually on the third Monday of September to honor elderly citizens. On this holiday, people return home to visit and pay respect to the elders. Some people volunteer in neighborhoods by making and distributing free lunch boxes to older citizens.
If your grandparents are already gone, Grandparents’ Day is a day to reflect on all the sacrifices made, all the hardships they endured to give future generations of Japanese Americans a better life. Here’s a quote I found online from legendary UCLA basketball coach John Wooden: “Our land is everything to us…. I will tell you one of the things we remember on our land. We remember that our grandfathers paid for it — with their lives.”
If you’re the grandparent, here’s something to think about. You play an important support role in the lives of our adult children and grandchildren. However, according to the experts, you need to accept and respect that you are just the supporting cast – not the leading lady.
You have to come to grips with the fact that the spotlight has passed and it’s now time to help our children be successful parents in a quiet, caring way. Here is a summary of “The 10 Commandments for Grandparents” I found in www.grandmagazine.com, March 10, 2021:
#1 Thou Shalt Accept the Fact That This Is Their Life and Family
Isn’t this what you have been waiting for? Your children are all grown up and ready to start a family of their own. It’s your chance to be proud of the way you raised them. Remember that this is their chance to be parents and do things their way.
#2 Thou Shalt Accept Thy Supportive Role as Grandparents
Similar to the first commandment, you have to not only accept that this is your children’s life but accept your new role in that life. Don’t be disheartened if you feel a bit left out at first. Everyone is adjusting. The worst thing you can do is assume or insist that you have a primary position on the grandparent ladder. If you overstep your bounds, you just may end up as the “other” grandparents.
#3 Parents Shalt Make the Rules – Not the Grandparents
Your child is now in a relationship with someone who grew up with a whole different set of rules than your child did. Now, they have to work out the bugs of bringing two lives together under one roof. This will probably involve some compromise between them and they don’t need you trying to tell them how to do that.
In addition, their children are going to have different little personalities from your children. They may need a different kind of discipline or reasoning or motivation than your children needed. Let the parents work through it and figure it out. Sit back and enjoy the fact that you don’t have to.
#4 Thou Shalt Keep Thy Mouth Shut!
Bite your tongue, zip your lip, close your trap – whatever you call it – just DON’T say it! Criticism, judgment, or anything that looks like either of those needs to stay firmly inside your head and never slip out onto your tongue. Honestly, it just isn’t worth stirring up bad feelings or resentment.
#5 Thou Shalt Accept the Changes Thou Hast No Control Over
Your children have the right to change their plans, their lifestyle, their parenting rules, or any other aspect of their lives. Don’t take their changes as a personal attack on you. Most likely, it has nothing to do with you. As the old Serenity Prayer states: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and WISDOM to know the difference.” Amen!
#6 Thou Shalt Let Thy Children Set the Grandparents’ Boundaries
Everyone needs boundaries to keep healthy relationships, i.e., “good fences make good neighbors.” Remember that even when the grandchildren are with you, there still may be boundaries that you should observe. Things like: the amount of screen time their children can have, their sugar intake, or bedtimes. You should adhere to these requests. However, there may be room for just a bit of spoiling. After all, we are grandparents, and spoiling is what we do best!
#7 Thou Shalt Set Boundaries of Thine Own
In like manner, grandparents need to have boundaries too. You still have your own life to think about. Remember to care for your own self and your well-being. Some grandparents still have jobs, friends, other children, a house, and a spouse that also need our attention. Balance is the name of the game. Remember the most important factor of all: What you do for one (especially the first) will be expected for all the rest. Be careful of the precedent you set.
#8 Thou Shalt Keep Up with the Times and Stay Open to New Ideas
Stay as current as you can. Be up to speed on things like car seat requirements, seat belt rules for kids, good and bad technology, what current TV shows are about, and other relevant things that apply to the ages of your grandkids. This is easier said than done! So stay on your toes.
Because things are changing so rapidly, you also need to be open to new ideas and ways of doing things. If the current “rules” say to lay a baby on their back to sleep (but long ago you put all of your babies on their stomach to sleep), just go with the new way of doing this.
Most likely, your child will be very uncomfortable with your old ideas. Especially if the current info says “this” is safer than how we used to do it. Ask questions and don’t argue.
#9 Thou Shalt Not Give Unsolicited Advice
Please don’t give unsolicited advice to your children. Again, they are testing out the waters just like you did. And like you, they need to make mistakes and learn from those experiences. However, if they do ask for your advice, tread lightly with love, and most of all – don’t criticize!
Be a good listener and help lead them to discover their own solutions if possible. Just give encouragement and reassurance that things will work out if they just keep working at it.
#10 Thou Shalt Teach and Inspire
You are in a position as grandparents to affect generations. There is more wisdom in your life experiences to draw on than any of the generations currently living. You are the keeper of all wisdom for your family. Don’t forget that you are still a parent and your children need you as much as your grandchildren need you.
Teach and nurture your children as you did when they were young. Be encouraging, especially when things are going badly, and celebrate the small victories. Tell them when you notice the things they are doing well – both your children and your grandchildren.
In summary, the “Golden Rule” for grandparents is to provide unconditional love and emotional support to their grandchildren, while not interfering with the rules and family dynamics established by the grandchild’s parents.
It’s important that grandparents keep in mind that your child created your grandchild with another person who may have a completely different view on raising children than you do. Together with your child they have established their own set of rules and created a family dynamic that is all their own.
Respecting boundaries is incredibly important when you are a grandparent. Your adult child knows first-hand what’s going on with his or her kids — at home, at school, with friends, in the community and so on. That means they make the rules for their kids, and you need to try your hardest to be respectful of those rules. In order to keep family harmony intact, grandparents do not make the rules, their child and their child’s spouse/partner (i.e., the grandchild’s parents) do.
As an estate planning attorney, grandparents will often ask if they can make direct gifts to grandchildren. “Of course,” I would respond. I’d continue, “Most parents choose to leave their assets to their children, and then their children will set-up their own estate plan to provide for their own kids, i.e., your grandchildren. Grandchildren typically only inherit directly from grandparents if their parent is deceased.”
However, there are times when grandparents choose to gift directly to grandchildren, even though their children are still living. The reasons for this vary, but the most common include:
- Children are already wealthy and are concerned about their own estate tax exposure;
- A desire to gift to grandchildren before the death of a child;
- Funding a grandchild’s college education;
- Children going through a divorce, bankruptcy, or facing creditors;
- Having a closer relationship with a grandchild than with a child.
You could make financial gifts to your grandchildren during your lifetime. That way you can see them enjoy and appreciate your gift. But the most popular strategy is to leave a modest specific cash bequest to each grandchild upon your death, with the remainder of the estate being divided among the children.
This approach has the advantage of equalizing distribution of the majority of funds among the children and simplifying the settlement process. Once a grandchild receives the cash gift, the grandchild has no additional right to be involved with the final estate settlement.
For example, you could amend your trust to gift $50,000 to each of your five grandchildren. The remainder could be divided among your three children. If your grandchildren are still minors (i.e., under 18), we use something called a “sprinkling trust.” This allows the minor grandchild to receive any gift you leave them, but they don’t get it until they reach a certain age, e.g., 25 years of age. In the meantime, the successor trustee (most likely an adult child) could “sprinkle” some money out to pay for their college education.
In conclusion, grandparents play a variety of roles in their grandchildren’s lives today, ranging from mentor, champion and nurturer to protector. One of the most important things grandparents can do is to create memories with their grandchildren. Being a consistent and stable presence in your grandchildren’s lives can be very impactful.
It’s all part of creating a secure environment for them to thrive in, along with the memory-making that is so important for kids, both of which reaffirm a grandparent’s love for their grandchildren.
Kids are very sensitive to issues of consistency and schedules. When you don’t show up, you don’t call them and you don’t get them a birthday card, you can’t expect them to come visit you and be excited to be there. They don’t know what to expect from you.
And if you’re invited to attend your grandkids’ events, whether it’s a piano recital or a football game, and you consistently don’t show up, it hurts your grandkids. And their parents are going to want to protect them from being hurt.
You also have no right to be upset if the other set of grandparents has a better relationship with your grandkids. You’ve become the “other grandparents.” It’s up to you to make things right.
Judd Matsunaga, Esq., is the founding partner of the Law Offices of Matsunaga & Associates, specializing in estate/Medi-Cal planning, probate, personal injury and real estate law. With offices in Torrance, Hollywood, Sherman Oaks, Pasadena and Fountain Valley, he can be reached at (800) 411-0546. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily those of The Rafu Shimpo.