By EMIKO ESSMILLER
My most important college application is due Nov. 1. It’s for USC. I’ve somehow deluded myself enough into thinking that I have a shot of getting in, and have committed myself to applying (despite the atrociously early deadline).
College feels like a shadow to me. It’s always there, wherever I go, just out of touch. Senior year has probably been described as bittersweet 100 times over, but that’s truly what it is. It’s bitter to wake up at 7:30 in the mornings and come home with a mountain of homework, but it’s sweet to see my friends again. More than that, it’s bitter to know that once I’m rid of the 7:30 wake up times (at least, I hope), that I’ll also be ridding myself from seeing those friends that make it just bearable enough to prevent me from dropping out of school.
Those feelings are enhanced by knowing that as a senior, I can finally look back at myself and feel a sense of pride. Everything I’ve done over the past three years has been focused on climbing a ladder. I’ve become a managing editor on my school newspaper, I’ve won a school-wide election to be on student government, I’ve become a varsity captain for my school’s swim team, I’ve become president of my school’s Asian Pacific Islander Student Union chapter.
Rung after rung I’ve climbed, and without another year left, I’m forced to sit on my ladder and look down below. I finally feel accomplished and at peace with the work I’ve decided to do. It’s terrible. I only get one last year to feel the sense of pride that I’ve been searching for for the past three years.
With that being said, my goal is to make the most of my time left. With college as my shadow, I’ve intentionally turned towards following my passions. My goal is to double major in media studies and Asian American studies, grad school. Wildly different paths, yet ones that I feel the most drawn to. In a way, The Rafu is a perfect blend of the two.
For the first couple weeks of this high school year, I’ve let myself reminisce in summer and laugh openly with friends. I know that going into college application season, those moments to daydream or laugh may be few and far between, but I plan on savoring them nonetheless. The Japanese American community has been extremely kind to me. More than that, it’s given me a sense of belonging that I didn’t know I needed.
When I finally choose to face my shadow head on, ideally before Nov. 1, I’ll probably taste that bittersweetness again. But I’ll also taste the peach juice from summer trips to Nijiya Market, the sweet dough flavor of the Gardena Obon dango, the savory pepperoni on the pizza my friends order whenever we hang out, and most importantly, the warm, honeyed flavor of well-earned pride. I’ll treasure these flavors and the emotions that they carry for the rest of my life.
For now, though, I’ll make sure they get me to that USC deadline.
Emiko Essmiller is a senior at South Pasadena High School and a Rafu Shimpo contributor, covering events such as the Nisei Week Queen Coronation and several local Obon festivals.