By JUDD MATSUNAGA, ESQ.
Have you ever made this connection? What Obon is to the Japanese in the East, Halloween is to the Western civilizations, e.g., Scottish, Irish, English, etc. (ancient Gaelic-Celtic people).
In fact, from the beginning of time all over the world, man has believed that the human spirit lives on even after death.Practically all ancient civilizations have celebrated something like a “Day of the Dead,” e.g., Día de los Muertos, a traditional Mexican holiday.
In Japan, Obon is a Buddhist custom to honor the spirits of one’s departed ancestors. The custom has evolved into a family reunion holiday during which people return to ancestral family places and visit and clean their ancestors’ graves when the spirits of ancestors are supposed to revisit the household altars. Families who have lost a family member will light a small fire on the first evening of the festival to guide the souls back home, i.e., the lanterns.
The Buddhist tradition originates from the story of a disciple of Buddha, named Mokuren.
According to legend, Mokuren used his supernatural powers to look upon his deceased mother only to discover she had fallen into the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and was suffering. Greatly disturbed, he went to the Buddha and asked how he could release his mother from this realm. Buddha instructed him to make offerings to the many Buddhist monks.
He did this, and saw his mother’s release. The disciple, happy because of his mother’s release from suffering and grateful for her many kindnesses, danced with joy. From this dance of joy comes the Bon Odori or “Bon Dance,” a time during which ancestors and their sacrifices are remembered and appreciated. I actually didn’t know any of this until I started researching for this article. No wonder I always liked watching the one guy jumping around, dancing Obon with great joy!
Have you ever wondered how our modern Halloween customs came to be? Why, for instance, do we go door-to-door “trick or treating,” i.e., asking for candy — and imply a prank if none is offered? You might say, “It’s all capitalism. Halloween ranks as the second-largest commercial holiday in the U.S. for retail spending on candy, costumes, and decorations, trailing only behind Christmas.” True. But I believe Obon also brings a ton of money to the Buddhist temples.
So, October is a month retailers use to market Halloween, i.e., the scariest time of the year.
Halloween’s origins, however, are a bit harder to pin down. Halloween is a hybrid of mythologies and histories that celebrates the obscure and occult. Most believe that Halloween started over 2,000 years ago with the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain (pronounced “sow-in”). The Celts believed that on the night of Oct. 31, the portal between the realms of the living and the dead opened, allowing lost souls to return to the human-occupied Earth.
In order to avoid being terrorized by all the evil spirits walking the Earth during Samhain, the Celts donned costumes and masks to disguise themselves in order to confuse the spirits and be left alone. Celtic people would leave food out to appease the spirits traveling the Earth at night. Rather than fearing these encounters, they embraced them as part of nature’s rhythm.
Over time, this practice eventually evolved into modern Halloween disguises, e.g., the skeleton costume.
At its core, the Samhain festival history teaches us that death is not an end but a transformation. This concept of death and rebirth mirrors the cycles of the moon, the seasons, and even human experience. When Christianity spread across Celtic regions, Samhain’s rituals didn’t disappear — they adapted. Over time, people began to dress as these unearthly beings in exchange for similar offerings of food and drink.
Now, the real purpose of this Rafu Shimpo Halloween article is to talk about another kind of “masquerading” that is happening right here in the Japanese American community. It’s fear — fear of being disliked, fear of rejection, fear of disappointing someone, fear of being alone, fear that if you stop giving, people will stop staying. Although the following life lessons (taken from a Billy Graham sermon) apply to all people of all nations, it has special relevance to our Japanese American community.
From the famous movie “Go For Broke” (1951), there was one line that really made an impression on me. One of the main characters of the 442nd Regimental Combat Team said to his buddies, “We’ll show ’em what good Americans Buddhaheads make.” Those war heroes fought fiercely to prove their patriotism, ultimately making the 442nd one of the most decorated units in U.S. military history for its size and length of service.
In the years following WWII, Japanese Americans continued to fight for acceptance into the American mainstream by covering that fear of not being accepted by kindness. It’s in our DNA. Although being less prevalent with each generation, most Rafu Shimpo readers want to be accepted by the American mainstream. We dress like white people, watch the same movies, laugh at the same jokes, but dance like black people. And the more they try to please everyone, the more exhausted they become.
But listen carefully. There is a difference between being kind and being controlled by the need to be liked. There is a difference between helping someone because you genuinely care about and helping someone because you are terrified they will be disappointed in you. There is a difference between humility and constantly making yourself smaller so that other people can feel comfortable. You can serve others without forgetting your own responsibilities.
You were not created to spend your entire life chasing the approval of other people. There will always be someone who does not understand you. There will always be someone who disagrees with your decisions. There will always be someone who expects more from you. And if your peace depends on keeping every person satisfied, then your peace will always be in someone else’s hands. You cannot control everyone’s opinion. You cannot control everyone’s feelings. You cannot make everyone happy.
You can have a good heart without giving everyone unlimited access to it. You can love people without living for their approval. You can be compassionate without allowing people to take advantage of your kindness. You stop asking “How can I make them accept me?” and you begin asking “Am I living with integrity?” And this is where you must become honest with yourself.
This is where emotional freedom begins.
You must understand that rejection is not always a sign that you have done something wrong. Sometimes people reject you simply because you stopped giving them what they were accustomed to receiving from you. Sometimes they become uncomfortable when you establish boundaries. But, you cannot sacrifice your peace simply to keep someone comfortable. If you spend your entire life adjusting yourself to fit every person’s expectations, eventually you will look in the mirror and realize that you have become a stranger to yourself.
You were not meant to become everything everyone else wanted. You were meant to become a person of character. That means there will be times when you have to stand alone. There will be times when you have to make a decision that others do not understand. There will be times when you have to walk away from an unhealthy situation even though someone calls you selfish.
And you can disagree with someone without becoming their enemy. The moment you understand this, something begins to change inside you, you stop asking what will they think and you begin asking what is right. You stop asking “Will they be happy with me?” and you begin asking “Am I being honest with myself?” Their disappointment does not automatically mean your decision was wrong. Learn to live with the fact that you cannot please everybody.
Learn to accept that some people will misunderstand you. Learn to let criticism pass without allowing it to define your identity. Your worth does not increase because someone praises you and your worth does not disappear because someone rejects you. When you stop living for approval, you do not become heartless. You become honest. You become stronger. You become more capable of loving people without needing something from them in return.
And perhaps most importantly, you finally begin to live from conviction instead of fear. So stop living for everyone’s approval because your peace begins when you stop trying to be everything to everyone and start becoming the person of character you were meant to be. You may know that you are tired. You may know that you have too much on your plate. You may know that another person is asking for more than you can reasonably give. Yet when the moment comes to speak, something inside you becomes afraid.
You begin thinking, “What if they become angry? What if they think I am selfish? What if they stop talking to me? What if they no longer need me?” And so you say yes. One of the hardest things for a person who has spent years seeking approval is learning to say no. You say yes when your heart is saying no. You say yes when your body needs rest. You say yes when your responsibilities are already overwhelming you. You say yes because disappointing someone feels more painful than disappointing yourself.
Saying no does not make you cruel. Saying no does not mean you do not care. Saying no does not mean you have stopped being a good person. Sometimes saying no is simply an honest recognition of your limits. You are not responsible for carrying every burden that someone places in front of you. You are not required to solve every problem. You are not required to answer every request immediately. You are not required to sacrifice your peace every time someone asks for your attention.
And sometimes the most loving thing you can do is establish a boundary. Understand that every yes has a cost. When you continually say yes to everyone else, you may eventually be saying no to your own peace, your own responsibilities, your own health, and the people who genuinely depend on you. There will be times when you must say no even though someone wanted you to say yes. And when those moments come, do not let guilt convince you that you are doing something wrong simply because someone is disappointed.
If any of this resonates with you, I want to conclude with the following. The Bible says, “The truth will set you free” (John 8:32). And the truth is that “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). When a person truly understands that they are unconditionally loved and forgiven by God through Jesus Christ, they stop living with the fear of being rejected.
Judd Matsunaga, Esq., is the founding partner of the Elder Law Services of California, specializing in estate/Medi-Cal planning, pro-bate, personal injury and real estate law. With offices in Torrance, Encino, Pasadena and Fountain Valley, he can be reached at (310) 318-2995. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily those of The Rafu Shimpo.