By Judd Matsunaga, Esq.
If you’re lucky enough, just like many Rafu Shimpo readers, you’ll live a long, healthy life. The problem is, however, that as you approach 100 years of age, most (if not all) of your friends are gone.
It is not surprising that Americans are in the midst of what experts call an “epidemic of loneliness.” Globally, about a third of people report feeling lonely. But in the United States, it’s even higher, reaching half the population. (Source: Harvard Special Health Report, Combating Loneliness)
Twenty-one percent of U.S. adults age 50 and older — that’s 24 million people — now live alone, without a spouse or partner or anyone else under the same roof. And their numbers are growing fast.
In 1950, just 9 percent of all U.S. adults lived by themselves. Now 1 in 5 Americans ages 50 to 54, about 1 in 3 ages 55 to 74 and half of those age 75-plus, are aging on their own, according to U.S. Census data. By 2038, the majority of people age 80 and older — about 10 million — will be solo agers, Harvard University experts estimate.
The report says, “American individualism that defines so much of our culture is partly to blame. We praise independence over collaboration and pride ourselves on having big yards with fences that keep us separate from our neighbors. Many, if not most, of us have been raised to believe that asking for help is a weakness rather than a strength. To make matters worse, loneliness is stigmatized. We are embarrassed to admit that we are lonely, and we worry that something is wrong with us, that we are the only ones feeling this way.”
Although the holiday season is billed as the “Happiest time of the year,” it can also be the loneliest time of the year for many seniors, especially for those without close family and friends. According to the article titled “What to Know about Loneliness During the Holidays” (www.webmd.com), much of the loneliness that occurs during the holidays can be traced to unrealistic expectations. Don’t compare your current holiday with ones from the past. Keep the present in perspective, as new traditions can be just as fulfilling as fondly remembered old ones.
It’s easy to jump to the conclusion that others are having more fun than you, e.g., family gatherings, holiday dinners, etc. But, there are several reasons why you might not be able to see all your friends and family members during the holidays. Bigger families may face the impossible task of visiting as many relatives as they can. Some people have to work over the holidays. A few may leave the holiday hustle behind and go somewhere relaxing instead. Try not to take their absence personally.
To make things worse, loneliness (and social isolation) has significant health implications, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). In fact, loneliness is recognized as an epidemic by the World Health Organization. Loneliness directly affects physical health, and is associated with increased risks of cardiovascular disease, stroke, cognitive decline, and early death. Loneliness can fuel fear, anger, and lead to higher rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide.
Dr. Amit Shah, a Mayo Clinic geriatrician and internist, says, “Loneliness is a subjective feeling or perception when a person is not feeling connected to others. Social isolation is a lack of connections or engagement with others. And both can lead to physical and mental health issues. The health risks of loneliness, they can be just as high as the health risks of obesity, of smoking, of physical inactivity, of excessive alcohol consumption.”
Loneliness is a personal concept. Some people don’t need a lot of social interaction to be happy and healthy. Others may have contact with friends and family members all the time and still feel alone. Loneliness happens when you feel socially isolated, and it can have a powerful impact on your mental health. According to the WebMD article, when you feel socially isolated, here’s what could be going on in your brain and your body:
- Stress. Loneliness triggers your body to produce extra cortisol, known as the stress hormone. Cortisol is normally released in response to a temporary threat. When the body is exposed to cortisol for a long period of time, it can cause anxiety and depression. You can also have headaches, sleep disturbances, and digestive problems. Your heart health may be impacted. You may even gain weight.
- Poorer brain function. Social isolation changes your brain’s chemistry. This makes tasks that require thinking more difficult. Experts believe that this process may lead to reduced cognitive ability and eventually to dementia, especially in older adults.
- Faster aging and earlier death. Loneliness can cause the cells of your body to age faster than usual. It also increases the risk of early death from all causes.
“Good relationships keep us healthier and happier. Period.” This is the simple conclusion of the decades-long Harvard Study of Adult Development, a landmark investigation that began in 1938 and is still continuing with the children of the original participants (the World’s Longest Study on Happiness). Here are some of the key findings from this landmark study:
- People who have good connections to family, friends, and community are happier and function better physically than do people who are less well connected.
- People in declining health die sooner if they are isolated than if they have robust connections.
- People who are introverted or shy are not destined to be alone; just like other people, they can — with effort — make friends and develop connections at any age.
- Friendships and romantic relationships require reciprocity. People must both give and receive support for the relationships to thrive.
So, how do you make and keep friends as an adult? Here’s what Marisa Franco wrote in her book “Platonic”: “Friendships don’t just happen, and they don’t flourish if they’re not reciprocal arrangements. It becomes harder to make friends as you age, since you’re less likely to be thrown into group situations, and other people are busy with their families and work obligations. But believing that friendships happen organically — that the cosmic energies will bestow a friend upon you — actually hinders people from making friends, because it stops them from being intentional about doing so.”
If you’re one of those age 75-plus who live alone, get out of the house and make some friends. If you’re fortunate to have one nearby, join your neighborhood Japanese American community enter or senior center. They’ll have several groups, clubs, classes, etc. for you to participate in and make new friends. Chances are you’ll meet new friends and acquaintances who will also be alone for the holiday season. Make plans with them. Another classic way of banishing the blues is to volunteer your time for a worthy cause.
According to the Harvard study “Combating Loneliness,” sociologists report that it takes about 100 hours to make a casual friend and close to 200 hours together to cement a close friendship. So if you want to make and keep friends as an adult, you have to boost your friendship skills. Here are some suggestions:
- Take the initiative. Introduce yourself to new people even if it feels awkward. If you stand in a corner by yourself, you send out signals that you’re not approachable.
- Be the planner — decide on an event or activity and then invite others to join you.
- Block out two or three days a week or several days a month to socialize with friends.
- If you make plans, don’t cancel or postpone unless you really have no other choice. Showing up demonstrates that you care and that you respect your friend.
- Show up on time. Respecting your friends includes respecting their time.
- Keep in touch with friends — reach out by text and phone frequently. And if you meet up with someone you want to see again, be sure to follow up and plan a new outing. Connections wither if they’re not regularly tended to.
- Openly express gratitude and affection for your friends — don’t just assume they know you value them.
- Try to listen as much as you speak. Be empathetic, and ask questions about things you know interest them.
- Show your vulnerable side. According to Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, many of us believe that displaying vulnerability shows weakness. In fact, it takes courage to lay yourself bare to others and to be fully present to them in return. “When we dare to drop the armor that protects us from feeling vulnerable, we open ourselves to the experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives,” she said in her audio book “The Power of Vulnerability.”
- Be authentic. Show your friends, both new and old, who you really are and not who you think they want you to be. Inauthenticity is associated with more loneliness and depression and less self-esteem and satisfaction with friendships. Faking it also takes a toll on you psychologically, since it requires hypervigilance.
- Work on yourself (with counseling, if necessary) to develop a secure attachment style, i.e., you believe you are worthy of love and support and can see the value in yourself and others. A secure attachment style is the single most important quality that defines “super friends” — people who seem to effortlessly make new friends as well as have more satisfying and enduring friendships.
If you can’t be with loved ones in real life, reach for technology to feel connected. Phone calls, texting, video chats, Zoom gatherings, and photo sharing can include you in each other’s celebrations even when you can’t be together.
Pets can also help reduce loneliness by providing unconditional companionship, creating a sense of purpose, and encouraging social interaction with other people. Interacting with pets can lower stress and boost your mood, and for older adults, pet ownership is particularly associated with lower loneliness and higher quality of life.
If you can’t take care of a pet, how about a robotic puppy? They now make robotic puppies that look and feel like the real thing. The most realistic robot dog, built for emotional support, is the Tombot Jennie, often cited due to its lifelike appearance and responsive sensors, e.g., it wags its tail. Voice activation software enables your Tombot Puppy to react to your commands. For example, if you tell her to “speak,” she will bark for you! Recordings from a 12-week-old Labrador puppy make your Tombot Puppy sound like the real deal!
In conclusion, solo agers need to execute power of attorneys, both for finances (DPOA) and for healthcare (HCPOA) to avoid court-appointed guardianship or conservatorship in the event of incapacity. When selecting an agent, consider family members, a younger friend, the child of a close friend, a professional fiduciary or a private guardian. Ensure that they have access to the passwords for your accounts.
Finally, don’t forget your pets. Name a proxy to care for them when you are no longer able. You won’t want them to end up in the county animal shelter.
Judd Matsunaga, Esq., is the founding partner of the Law Offices of Matsunaga & Associates, specializing in estate/Medi-Cal planning, probate, personal injury and real estate law. With offices in Torrance, Hollywood, Sherman Oaks, Pasadena and Fountain Valley, he can be reached at (800) 411-0546. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily those of The Rafu Shimpo.