By JUDD MATSUNAGA, ESQ.
Mother’s Day only comes around once a year, and of course, they deserve nothing but the best as mothers do so much. And while flowers and chocolates will forever be classics, this Rafu Shimpo article is to discuss another gift, i.e., what Mom really wants.
Although moms have cherished everything from handmade cards to the latest kitchen appliance, CNN staffers asked their own mothers to get the inside scoop. (Source: www.cnn.com/cnn-underscored/gifts/what-our-moms-actually-want-for-mothers-day-2026) Surprisingly, it wasn’t the latest and greatest kitchen devices or high-tech beauty devices.
Moms generally want to feel appreciated, with top requests including peace and quiet, quality time with family, or a break from daily chores. Now, since I’m left-brain dominant (tested in top 6% in logic), here’s my analysis: If you can give Mom a break from her daily chores, she’ll have the time for peace and quiet and quality time with the family. That’s three benefits for the price of one — that’s a good deal!
We all want our aging moms to be happy, i.e., to be physically healthy and active, to socialize to not be lonely. However, “geriatric syndromes,” including dementia, falls, frailty, incontinence, depression, and polypharmacy (taking multiple medications), are common for people in their 60s, 70s, and beyond. Unfortunately, these issues routinely fall through the cracks of usual medical care. Doctors, family members, and even the parents themselves assume nothing can be done, that these are simply just an “inevitable part of growing old.” Don’t believe that.
If you have an aging mom who doesn’t want to be a burden on you, my advice is to let Mom be a burden this Mother’s Day. To help you make sure Mom is “safe and sound,” I found some helpful advice online — “How to tell if an aging parent needs extra support” (Sources: the National Institute on Aging and board-certified geriatrician Dr. Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH, https://betterhealthwhileaging.net).
It is not always clear whether an aging mom needs help. Sometimes an adult child will recognize that Mom needs help because she requests help. However, some moms (especially Nisei moms) may not want to be a burden to their children, nor want to cause them to worry. Many other moms are afraid that if they admit that they’re struggling, they’ll be sent to a nursing home and lose their independence. Therefore, a phone call, email, or text message is not always the best way to tell whether an older person needs help.
The best way to know if an aging parent needs some extra support is to visit and see for yourself — perhaps this Mother’s Day. While visiting, the experts suggest you look for changes in your parent or in the home. The National Institute on Aging (NIH) lists the following signs related to the person’s general health that can raise concerns: (1) Significant weight gain or weight loss; (2) Poor hygiene; (3) Confusion; (4) Falls; (5) Loneliness or social isolation; and (6) Trouble walking or getting around.
According to NIH, if you spot any of the above “signs,” your first step should be to talk to your mom about your concerns — without sounding critical. For example, while looking in the refrigerator, you might say, “Mom, it looks like you don’t have much food in the house. Are you having trouble getting to the store?” Then try to offer practical help and give specific examples of what can be done, e.g., “Would you like me to arrange to have groceries delivered on a regular basis?”
If you think Mom could use some help, the question is “How do you give Mom a break from daily chores, e.g., no cooking, cleaning, shopping or ironing, etc.?” If you can, then Mom could use that new found time for peace and quiet and/or quality time with family, e.g., a nice, family dinner, or a fun outing together. Let’s attempt to answer this question in two parts. First, for those moms with money. And second, for those moms without a lot of money.
We’ll start with moms that have little money. There’s a little-known program called In-Home Supportive Services Program or IHSS. It’s a county program that will pay for “Homemaker Services,” including housecleaning, laundry, shopping, errands, and cooking. IHSS will also pay for “Personal Care Services,” such as non-medical assistance with daily living activities, including bathing, dressing, tilting (often referred to as “tilt-in-space”), and eating.
With this kind of help, Mom finally gets the peace and quiet she wants, or the quality time to spend with family. But, in order to qualify for IHSS, applicants and recipients must: (1) Physically reside in the United States; (2) Be a California resident; (3) Live at home or a home of your own choosing (services almost always need to be provided in your own home, or the home of a relative such as a son or a daughter); and (4) Be eligible for Medi-Cal.
Medicare is an entitlement. Any U.S. citizen over the age of 65 gets Medicare, i.e., you could be a millionaire and you are still entitled to Medicare. Medicare will pay for hospital stays, but it won’t pay for long-term care, and will not make you eligible for IHSS. That’s why you need Medi-Cal. But Medi-Cal is based on “need,” i.e., you can’t be a millionaire and get Medi-Cal. You have to qualify for Medi-Cal.
Medi-Cal’s 2026 Asset Test limit is $130,000 for an individual and $195,000 for a couple. In addition, you are allowed to have certain exempt assets that are not counted, such as the primary residence; household goods and personal effects, including jewelry; one car, burial plots, term life insurance, and whole life insurance (face value of $1,500 or less); and certain IRAs/work pension account balances when the person is receiving periodic payments of interest and principal.
If you have more than that and want Medi-Cal to pay for nursing home care or Medi-Cal to get IHSS, there are two options. One, you could “spend down” by purchasing exempt assets, e.g., like a car. Second, you can legally transfer excess cash to a trusted family member, e.g., adult child, without triggering a three-year look-back period. Although perfectly legal to do, it’s complicated. Please contact your local neighborhood Medi-Cal planning attorney before making any gifts.
There’s also an “income limit,” which is equivalent to 138% of the Federal Poverty Level (FAL). While this figure increases annually in January, for California Medicaid, the income limits increase each April. Effective 4/1/25, the income limit for the IHSS program for a single applicant is $1,801/month, and for a married couple, it is $2,433/month. If you’re slightly over, there are ways to reduce income by purchasing a supplemental vision or dental plan.
Now that you’re qualified, IHSS will not pay for 24/7 home care. It’s designed to help pay for part-time home care. IHSS will send a county social worker out to the house to determine the applicant’s “level of ability and dependence upon verbal or physical assistance by another.” Now, I know that many elderly Japanese women are very proud. However, if your mom proudly sticks out her chest and says, “I don’t need any help,” you won’t get any money.
If there was ever a time to monku, this is it. If Mom can’t cook, can’t clean, can’t bathe, can’t drive, etc., you’ll get more hours. If Mom qualifies for the maximum hours (283 per month) in Los Angeles, for example, that’s $4,811 per month!! Here’s the best part — you can elect to have IHSS pay a family member, e.g., your daughter, for helping you live at home. That’s right! You get to pick your “care provider.”
Secondly, for moms with money, or with incomes too high for IHSS. You’ve been scrimping, saving and going without your whole life, i.e., saving for a rainy day. Well guess what — it’s raining. Start spending some of that money so you can truly enjoy your “golden years.” Go out “in style.” Take a friend out to lunch, join a senior center, and/or get the new car with the latest safety features, e.g., one that will beep if you stray out of your lane or warn you if you’re approaching the car ahead too fast.
Don’t wait until you’re in a nursing home and it’s too late. I have personally met with dozens of moms and dads in nursing homes to help them qualify for Medi-Cal to pay for long-term care. When I tell them that they have too much money for Medi-Cal and they don’t qualify, they would say (with a tear in their eye), “I wish I would have spent my money when I still could walk.” My advice — spend some of your money now while you can still enjoy it.
“What about my kids?” you might ask. “They’re expecting to inherit my estate when I die.” Most adult children I meet with will tell their parents, “Mom, it’s your money. Go ahead and spend it to make your life more comfortable.” Any Japanese American child who says otherwise doesn’t deserve any inheritance. So why not get some help around the house with your daily chores? That would free up time for you to get the time for peace and quiet and also to spend quality time with your family.
Finally, for moms with little money but own their own home. Chances are your home has appreciated significantly in the last 20-plus years. Your home that you paid $150,000 for 30 years ago is now worth $1,000,000. AND, it’s most likely paid off, i.e., “free and clear.” Why not pull some of that money out in a reverse mortgage or home equity conversion mortgages (HECMs), which are insured by the Federal Housing Administration (FHA) and make up the majority of reverse mortgages?
A reverse mortgage is a type of loan against your house. But unlike with a traditional mortgage, you don’t make monthly payments to a lender as long as you live in the home as your primary residence. Instead, the lender pays you, essentially working in “reverse,” as the name suggests. Although you don’t make any payments on a reverse mortgage, interest and fees do accrue. This means that your loan balance will increase over time, since you are not making payments on the debt.
Generally, you need to be 62 or older to qualify. With a reverse mortgage, you borrow a portion of your home equity. You can choose to receive monthly payments for a set period of time (“term”) or for as long as you live in the home (“tenure”); a one-time lump sum; a line of credit; or a combination of these options. You are still responsible for paying property taxes, homeowners insurance, HOA dues and assessments. You’re also responsible for keeping the property maintained.
In conclusion, if you spot one or more “signs” that Mom could use some extra help, have an open and honest conversation about their needs, fears, and concerns. Talk with them about getting help from IHSS or a reverse mortgage. Be patient, understanding, and compassionate, especially during times of difficulty. You’ll get better results if you involve your parent in the decision-making, i.e., include them in discussions about their care and choices whenever possible.
Judd Matsunaga, Esq., is the founding partner of the Law Offices of Matsunaga & Associates, specializing in estate/Medi-Cal planning, probate, personal injury and real estate law. With offices in Torrance, Hollywood, Sherman Oaks, Pasadena and Fountain Valley, he can be reached at (800) 411-0546. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily those of The Rafu Shimpo.