By Judd Matsunaga, Esq.
A recent AARP Foundation online survey found that 82% of U.S. adults would prefer to spend Valentine’s Day with someone rather than by themselves. The survey revealed that non-married adults who don’t have a significant other are more likely to feel lonely when thinking about Valentine’s Day (26%) than those who are dating (19%) or those in a romantic relationship (6%).
Furthermore, according to the AARP article, “Love Valentine’s Day? It’s Complicated” (Feb. 12, 2018), adults age 50 and older are more likely than younger adults to not celebrate Valentine’s Day this year. About a quarter of adults (23%) have negative feelings about the upcoming holiday. Those negative perceptions include feeling lonely, sad, disappointed, annoyed, stressed out or nervous; some even dread it.
Of course, the research shows that different people have different social needs. Some people may have much less need for connection than others. They may have one close friendship, enjoy spending time alone, and feel that’s sufficient for their needs for companionship. On the opposite hand, others may spend a lot of time with others but still feel lonely, e.g., that they’re not understood, or not loved.
Americans are in the midst of what experts call an epidemic of loneliness. This epidemic is a public health crisis that has far-reaching consequences for both individual and societal health. Loneliness leads to higher rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide. It can fuel fear, anger, and even violence. Less obviously, it also directly affects physical health, and is associated with increased risks of cardiovascular disease, stroke, cognitive decline, and early death.
Globally, about a third of people report feeling lonely. But in the U.S., it’s even higher, reaching half the population. The American individualism that defines so much of our culture is partly to blame. We praise independence over collaboration and pride ourselves on having big yards with fences that keep us separate from our neighbors. Many, if not most, of us have been raised to believe that asking for help is a weakness rather than a strength.
As a general rule, research consistently shows that people are happiest when they have supportive and positive relationships with others. Furthermore, it’s not the number of relationships you have that counts, but the type of relationships. Warm, caring, supportive relationships are key. People who feel accepted rather than judged by their spouses, partners, friends, and family tend to be the happiest and healthiest.
Your spouse or partner, parents, and children may form the central relationships in your life, but they are not the only ones. It’s also important to connect with friends and people outside your immediate family. For those Rafu readers who may be feeling lonely this Valentine’s Day (or throughout the rest of the year), this article will cover three exercises for reaching out and connecting with others. (Source: Special Health Report from Harvard Medical School, “Positive Psychology: A Step-by-step Wellness Plan for Body, Mind, and Spirit)
Exercise #1 – Practice random acts of kindness
Every day for a week, make a note whenever you do something kind, whether large or small. Tally your daily totals. Did your acts of kindness increase during the week? Does counting your kindnesses make you feel any different? Happier? More grateful? If so, it’s a win-win strategy you can use every day to improve your own life and the lives of others.
Interestingly, it doesn’t appear to matter whether you are being kind to a stranger, an acquaintance, or a close friend. A study published in The Journal of Social Psychology found that the boost in happiness and well-being gained from performing and tracking kind acts was independent of the specific recipient.
The “warm glow” that comes from helping or sharing with others seems to be an innate part of human nature. Several studies have demonstrated the link between helping others and experiencing happiness. A London School of Economics study found that the more people volunteered, the happier they were. Compared with people who never volunteered, the chance of being “very happy” rose 16% for those volunteering weekly and 12% for those volunteering every two to four weeks.
In a study published in Social Science and Medicine, giving time to religious organizations had the greatest impact. You might think that a 16% increase in the number of people feeling happy seems small, but in this study, volunteering increased the probability of being very happy as much as did having an income of $75,000 to $100,000 compared with an income of $20,000.
The benefits go beyond happiness. Research found that those who volunteered more than 100 hours a year were less lonely and reported more positive emotions, optimism, hope, and a greater purpose in life than those who didn’t volunteer. What’s more, volunteers were less likely to die or develop physical limitations, leading the researchers to conclude that physicians might suggest volunteering to their willing and able patients as a health-enhancing activity.
Exercise #2 – Smile at the first 10 people you see today
Smile at the first 10 people you encounter while going about your day. Try it while walking down the street, picking up dry cleaning, buying a sandwich at the deli — or wherever else you run into people. Chances are, they’ll smile back. And you’ll probably both feel better.
For starters, the facial expression you produce when you smile is likely to make you feel happier. The 19th-century psychologist William James was the first theorist to propose that changes in the body, especially in facial expressions, could help evoke certain emotions. Later scientists proved the point.
For example, study volunteers who gripped a pen or pencil in their teeth to mimic a smile said they found cartoons funnier than those who maintained neutral facial expressions. In other research, genuine smiles produced even greater happiness than facial expressions that merely mimicked smiles.
What’s more, the positive feelings you experience when you smile are likely to spread from you to those around you. Scientists now know that the brain contains cells called mirror neurons that make you tend to copy not only other people’s body language and facial expressions (think of yawns), but also their emotions. See someone crying, and you will likely feel sad. See someone smiling, and you will feel happier.
So smile at someone and see if your mood lifts. Note: The effect is strongest when the smile is truly felt. A genuine, or “Duchenne,” smile (named for the French neurologist who defined it) engages muscles to raise the corners of the mouth, lift the cheeks, and form crinkles around the eyes. A forced smile, which engages only the muscles around the mouth, might not have the desired effect.
Exercise #3 – Forgive someone
It’s natural, of course, to feel angry and resentful if someone has hurt you. But think about how you feel if you hold on to that resentment. As you ruminate about the incident, you go over and over the old hurt. It only heightens and amplifies your sense of anger and hostility. But abundant research suggests that the act of forgiving someone else acts as a counterbalance to the physical effects of anger and resentment. Forgiveness improves cardiovascular health, promotes overall well-being, and may even help you live longer.
There’s an old saying: “Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” It means that resentment, envy, grudges all harm you more than the person who has wronged you. Research shows that over time, emotional distress and rumination increase the release of stress hormones, interrupt sleep, adversely affect the cardiovascular system, and may lead to depression.
By contrast, forgiveness offers a way to heal yourself and perhaps reconnect with someone else. The process of forgiveness starts internally as you focus on developing empathy and compassion for the other person, trying to understand why that individual offended you. When you’ve done this, you can begin working to silently forgive, and wish the person well. Forgiveness requires practice.
The second, optional, part of the process is to decide whether you want to try to reconcile with the person (if still alive) and resume the relationship. This decision will depend on how much value the relationship has to you and whether you think the other person could acknowledge having played a role in the breach and has the capacity to re-establish a connection.
If that does not seem possible or desirable, it’s fine to let go of that idea. You can decide to forgive someone, and do so successfully, without ever reconnecting.
In conclusion, now that you have some strategies for cultivating greater satisfaction and contentment in your life, start by choosing just one technique that you expect might be a good fit. Make time to practice it every day for a week — even if for just 10 minutes a day. In the following weeks, try switching to or adding other practices, experimenting with each at least a few times, to find those that resonate most with you.
Recognize that at certain times, well-being may arise naturally and easily. At other times, when life’s challenges intervene, a sense of contentment and ease may seem miles away. Don’t expect to find it once; well-being is cultivated through small choices made over a lifetime. Stay the course, and remind yourself that allowing yourself to experience a full range of emotions can actually lessen your suffering.
It can feel scary, but it is worth the risk and will ultimately enhance your well-being. Once you identify a technique or group of techniques that feels helpful, allow them to be part of your daily routine — like brushing your teeth. You may begin feeling just a little bit better right away. And the positive effects will likely deepen with time, as your practice becomes a habit.
Judd Matsunaga, Esq., is the founding partner of the Law Offices of Matsunaga & Associates, specializing in estate/Medi-Cal planning, probate, personal injury and real estate law. With offices in Torrance, Hollywood, Sherman Oaks, Pasadena and Fountain Valley, he can be reached at (800) 411-0546. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily those of The Rafu Shimpo.