By JUDD MATSUNAGA, ESQ.
Back when we were little, i.e., the old Crenshaw days, my mom would teach us not to stare. As kids, we were naturally drawn to things that seemed unusual, different, or interesting, leading us to stare.
For example, we would point (also a “no-no”), laugh, and stare at the guy wearing a bad toupee. Eventually, we learned manners and social etiquette. So we had to stop doing things that would make other people feel uncomfortable, self-conscious, and judged.
Staring is often interpreted as a form of bullying or intimidation, signaling disdain or a desire to make someone uncomfortable. A persistent gaze acts as an invasion of personal space. It violates privacy, making it a common source of social anxiety.
Most social norms suggest it is polite to look away if you catch someone looking back at you, rather than continuing to stare. The general consensus is to prioritize making others feel comfortable by not staring or engaging in a fixed, intense gaze.
So the question is, why do dementia patients stare at you? According to one article I found online (www.optoceutics.com), people with dementia might gaze due to both psychological and physical reasons. Dementia patients often stare because of cognitive decline, vision changes, or difficulties processing their environment, making it a way to, for example, recognize familiar faces or cope with overstimulation.
When cognitive abilities decline, the brain struggles to organize and make sense of complex sensory and social information. This typically causes them to become fixated on things, such as people or objects around them. They might be trying to recall you, understand what you’re doing, or process the information you’re providing.
It is rarely malicious; rather, it is often a silent communication of confusion, a search for comfort, or a result of deep, quiet focus.
Loss of one or more senses, especially sight or hearing, can also play a role. If they can’t hear or process visual information quickly, they might gaze to gather more information. Because they are confused and disoriented, they can’t shift their focus. Therefore, something may have caught their attention.
It’s not rudeness but a sign of cognitive impairment and a way for them to cope with their complex environment.
The above-mentioned article lists the following six key reasons for staring in dementia patients:
(1) Confusion and Memory Processing: The person may be trying to identify who you are, or they may be looking for a familiar face to feel safe.
(2) Difficulty Processing Information: As the brain’s ability to interpret visual information declines, patients may stare to fixate on something familiar to make sense of their environment.
(3) Sensory Overload: In noisy or crowded situations, a person with dementia might become overstimulated and stare blankly into space as a coping mechanism.
(4) Visual Impairments: Brain-related visual changes (like posterior cortical atrophy) can make it difficult for them to focus, resulting in a blank or “glassy” stare.
(5) Sundowning: Increased confusion and anxiety in the late afternoon/evening can lead to increased staring.
(6) Fixation on Hallucinations: Patients, particularly those with Lewy body dementia, may be seeing or hearing things that are not there.
Staring in dementia is rarely an act of aggression. More often, it is a way for the person to express feelings or needs they cannot speak. Patience, close observation, and steady empathy help reveal what the gaze truly means. Learning how to handle aggression in dementia patients also helps caregivers stay calm in challenging moments. This approach builds trust, improves care quality, and strengthens the bond between patients and those who support them.
If you find your loved one staring at you, the experts suggest the following:
First, remain calm and reassuring: Approach the person with a calm, gentle demeanor.
Second, avoid confrontation: Do not ask, “Why are you staring?” as this can cause distress.
Third, try to redirect: Engage them in a simple, pleasant activity or conversation.
Fourth, provide comfort: The stare might be a cry for security, so simple reassurance can help.
In a second online article (www.vervecollege.edu/why-do-dementia-patients-stare-at-you) an LPN (licensed practical nurse) sees staring as clues to a patient’s needs. Staring in dementia may seem odd, but it often has meaning. Many times, staring is not about aggression or defiance. It can be a way for someone with dementia to communicate a feeling or a need they cannot put into words. They may be seeking comfort, reassurance, or a familiar face.
An LPN learns to look beyond the surface and see the stare as a message. Recognizing these cues creates moments of connection and helps guide care in a way that feels safe and respectful to the patient.
Dementia changes the way the brain handles memory, focus, and sensory signals. A person may struggle to recognize faces or place new surroundings. Because of these changes, they can fix their eyes on someone for longer than usual. This focus may not be intentional but rather a result of confusion or an attempt to process what they see.
From an LPN’s perspective, understanding this shift in perception helps you respond with patience and a calm presence.
LPNs know that adjusting the environment can make a big difference. Soft lighting, quiet surroundings, and clear pathways reduce stress and help patients feel calmer. By managing these factors, caregivers can ease the patient’s anxiety and lower the chance of distressing behaviors.
Bright lights, loud sounds, or an unfamiliar room can increase confusion and lead to more staring. These triggers can overwhelm a person’s senses, making them look for something steady or recognizable.
Responding to a patient’s stare with warmth can turn an uncomfortable moment into a positive one. Maintain soft eye contact and use a gentle voice. Speak slowly and keep your words simple. Offer small familiar activities like folding towels or looking at photos to redirect their focus. These steps help build trust and improve comfort.
As an LPN, showing steady empathy and clear communication supports better care and a stronger bond with the patient.
It is also critical to give regular and honest reassurance. Say “You are safe” or “I am here with you” in a calm voice and look them in the eye. To maintain calmness, refrain from arguing with or correcting their opinions. To relax, try soft, calming music, familiar and tranquil activities, or short, easy walks. Finding and removing things that trigger your reactions, like loud noises and overwhelming environments, is also crucial. The goal is to create a safe, low-stress space that people can depend on.
Here are the LPN’s final four tips:
(1) Reassure and Comfort: Provide calming, gentle reassurances rather than arguing or trying to enforce reality, which can increase fear.
(2) Consistent Routines: Maintaining a predictable daily schedule can reduce uncertainty.
(3) Reduce Stimulation: Minimize loud noises and hectic environments.
(4) Validate Feelings: Instead of correcting, validate their emotions to make them feel heard and safe.
If the staring is accompanied by signs of distress or if it is a new, sudden behavior, it may be worth consulting a healthcare provider to rule out physical illness or discomfort. Seek medical advice, i.e., consult a doctor, as behavioral symptoms may be treatable, and medication or therapy can sometimes help reduce severe anxiety.
In conclusion, moments of forgetfulness can happen at any age and, according to the National Institute on Aging (NIA), may happen even more as you age. Still, memory lapses can provoke anxiety for older adults who are often left wondering whether it’s all normal or a sign of something more serious.
A 2019 National Poll on Healthy Aging found that nearly half of respondents ages 50 to 64 are worried about developing dementia. Similarly, a 2021 survey from AARP found that nearly half of adults 40 and older think it’s likely they will get dementia.
If you are concerned about cognitive decline, here’s something that many Rafu Shimpo readers already know. According to a recent study (Jan. 26, 2026) published by Psychology and Aging, helping care for your grandchildren may stave off cognitive decline. Researchers analyzed data from 2,887 grandparents (average age 67, 56% women) collected from 2016 to 2022.
Participants completed surveys on whether they cared for grandchildren in the past year and, if so, what they did with them — such as babysitting, playing, helping with homework — as well as how often. All participants also took thinking and memory tests several times during the study.
Grandparents who helped care for their grandchildren scored higher as a group on tests of memory and language skills compared with grandparents who did not do any caregiving. But only caregiving grandmothers — not grandfathers — showed less overall cognitive decline over time compared with peers who didn’t help with childcare-related tasks.
These benefits persisted regardless of whether care was occasional or frequent. The study authors speculated that the benefits likely occur because such caregiving tasks keep older adults mentally active and socially engaged.
Previous research has indicated that a higher frequency of grandchild care is associated with better cognition and slower cognitive decline in grandparents. However, we do not know if specific caregiving activities (e.g., engaging in leisure activities with grandchildren, cooking for them) or the variety thereof affect grandparents’ cognition and whether these effects are gender-specific.
Both caregiving grandmothers and grandfathers showed higher levels of verbal fluency and episodic memory compared with matched controls, but only caregiving grandmothers showed less cognitive decline over time. Among caregiving grandparents, the frequency of caregiving did not predict cognitive functioning.
However, grandparents with initially higher cognitive levels were more engaged in specific activities (e.g., spending leisure time with grandchildren, assisting them with homework) and participated in a wider variety of activities.
Our findings reveal a link between grandchild care status and cognition among grandparents. (Source: www.health.harvard.edu) So, why not volunteer to watch your grandchildren more often this coming summer? It will good for your brain. And watching grandparents chasing and lifting their grandchildren, also good for your body, i.e., no need to join the local gym.
Judd Matsunaga, Esq., is the founding partner of Elder Law Services of California, specializing in estate and Medi-Cal planning, probate, and trust administration. With offices in Torrance, Encino, Pasadena and Fountain Valley, he can be reached at (310) 348-2995. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily those of The Rafu Shimpo.